Counselling Extraterrestrial Robots (For Dummies)
by CMXC
Summary: All I remembered was being kidnapped by the FBI and forced into the weirdest part time job in history. They didn't mention the extraterrestrial cars as part of the description. *REVISION of Shenanigans of a Wash Counsellor* [Warning: May include OC Pairings, Sarcastic Language, Shocking Secrets & Gut-Splitting Humor] Flames will be fed to Grimlock. [ON HIATUS]


**Counselling Extraterrestrial Robots (For Dummies)**

**A/N:** Hi everyone, welcome to the revised version of 'Shenanigans of a Wash Counsellor'. As you know the style has been changed to fit the intended direction and humor genre. I would like to thank my readers for their support. I hope you all would enjoy this fic!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything from the TFP franchise and series. I only own my OC – Cassidy Carter. Flames will be fed to Grimlock.

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My name is Cassidy Carter. I'm a senior at Jasper High and a part-timer at C&C's Carwash. Well, at least I used to be for the latter. I mean seriously, all I remembered was being kidnapped by the FBI and forced into the weirdest part time job in history. They didn't mention the extraterrestrial cars as part of the description.

Yes, people, aliens do exist - at least, giant robots who can transform into all sorts of vehicles. The only things that are keeping me sane are coffee and this journal. It was supposed to be for my reports on the sci-fi titans but honestly who the heck would want to stare at a six-page long article on each patient I meet?

And so in the event where I (hopefully don't) die a horrible, tragic death in duty, this journal will serve as a chronicle to my dealings with our new friends from outer space.

These are the stories.

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Log #1: How to get the Job  
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Life has been somewhat dull in the past seventeen years of my existence. I don't have any big dreams. All I wanted to do was live a simple life with my Dad and Diego. Unfortunately, the government had other ideas.

One moment, I was helping out at my Dad's run-down carwash. The next, a black SUV pulled over and two men in suits jumped out and grabbed me. I fought back of course, until they cuffed my hands, gagged me and tossed me (not so gently) into the back of the van. Dad was too cooped up in his office to hear anything and a German Sheppard's speed was no match for the vehicle. I could only helplessly watch as Diego slowed down in the distance. My mind was on the edge. All I could think of was what the heck did the Men in Black want with me?

A few hours later, I was brought into a secluded military base and locked in an interrogation room. They took off the cuffs thankfully, but by then, I was confused, tired and hungry. It didn't help that the interviewer came in with a boxful of chocolate covered doughnuts. The agent took a seat across the desk and greeted me with a stern look.

"Ms. Carters, my name is Agent Fowler. I'm with the FBI and we need to talk."

Little did I know that this was the beginning of a new job. Now, if you somehow ended up stuck in an interview with your friendly, neighbourhood FBI interrogator, here's how you survive.

**#1: Don't judge by size**

Even if the guy looks big enough to flatten you, don't stare or call him fat. I got caught glancing at his belly and the agent gave me the 'look'. Though he was nice enough to spare me a donut and a cup of water after my stomach gave a rather loud protest.

**#2: Stay calm**

We all have done a little something 'wrong' in our lives. But the moment the FBI pops into the picture, that's the time you have to shove your past crimes into a box and dump it into the sea. I was sixteen when I snuck off to a street race in the middle of the night. And it was the dumbest thing I ever did. So when Agent Fowler asked about my record, I panicked.

"I swear the broken left arm made me regret my actions!" I moaned.

Luckily, the FBI was not interested in arresting me and Agent Fowler wrote it off as "off the record". Whatever they needed me for was more important than that, apparently. So just take deep breaths and listen to what the agent has to say. If possible, try to keep a poker face. Because if you watch Criminal Minds, you should know by now that the interrogator always looks out for a reaction to gauge if you are a friend or foe.

**#3: Treat Interrogations as Interviews**

As long as you see the positive side in it, you won't crack under the pressure. The only difference between them is that one false move can leave you in big doo-doo. After Agent Fowler revealed that the interrogation was merely a job interview, I did the most idiotic thing a suspect would do. I flipped.

"If that's all you needed me for, why do the whole "Taken" sequence in the first place?"

Agent Fowler simply replied that it was for the sake of restraining me from further harm. Guess that's what happens after you punch an agent's nose and call in your dog to sic his partner's ass. The latter was still getting stitches.

**#4: Your Past is NOT safe. Be Prepared.**

This is the FBI we are talking about. It's not just your past that's in danger. Your criminal records, your bank account, your medical bills… not even your Facebook is spared! I was really suspicious of the level of secrecy. So I asked Agent Fowler if this entire interrogation was all a stupid prank. Then, he brought out a rap sheet dating from my birth to my present exasperated self. There was a printout of my online resume, my education reports and even my Internet history.

"You got quite the list here, Ms. Carter. Babysitter, Car-washer, Fast-Food Service Crew and…" Agent Fowler whistled. "A stuntwoman?"

"That was just for a school project. Nothing else," I admitted in embarrassment.

"I know. I saw the film on Youtube. Slasher classic."

I was torn between feeling honoured and terrified of the prospect of being treated like a hardcore suspect. I should lay off Criminal Minds for awhile.

**#5: Don't Question the Questions**

No matter what kind of random question your interviewer throws at you, just freakin' answer it. Because the more you refuse to cooperate, the longer you have to be stuck with your annoying pal in the room.

"Do you believe in aliens?"

"Do you get carsick easily?"

"What is your attention span?"

"How do you cope with kids and elderly?"

And there were thirty of them in total.

**#6: When all is done, Fire away**

When your friendly agent asks if you have any questions, you have two choices:

1) Politely ask him to explain the reason behind this situation.  
2) Aggressively fire away like a machine gun and demand answers.

I picked the latter. It seemed more efficient. Plus, I was already pissed. Every interviewee has a right to know what the job scope is about. If your interviewer tells you otherwise, he is either hiding something or being an ass. Lucky for me, Agent Fowler was the former.

"Yeah, I got some questions, you dipshit! Why me, of all people? What's so important about this job? Do you know what my Dad will do if he finds out I'm gone?" I yelled.

"Errrr…"

"He'll start binging! He can't even cook to save his life! He's practically killing himself with last night's cheesy pasta and ice cream! And he's lactose-intolerant!"

The expression on Agent Fowler's face was priceless.

**#7: Highlighting an incident incurs Suspicion**

You know something is fishy when your interviewer mentions a particular incident from your past. It could be a near death experience or even an extremely long traffic jam that forced you to go on a road rage (and accidentally harm someone). This could be a big hint to your interviewer's true agenda. In my case, it was related to an accident that left my family near penniless.

Carters: Wash & Refuel was a booming car wash & service business that my Grandfather passed down to my Dad. They had everything. Top-grade washing facilities, refuelling stations, honest employees and a good reputation. Then one day, an accident happened. I didn't really know the details, but according to my Dad, it was something about a gas leak and a fire, followed by an explosion as big as the Fireworks of Fourth July. The police wrote it off as an unfortunate maintenance screw-up. Since then, business went downhill. We couldn't afford to pay for repairs and pay checks. Eventually, every branch was shut down. My Grandpa ended up in the nuthouse after dancing the Macarena naked on our roof. Meanwhile, my Dad, Diego and I moved into a roadside car wash outside of town. On the plus side, we managed to renovate it into a nice house.

**#8: Expect a Surprise Visit**

It wasn't unusual to have a second interviewer join in later. Interviewers use this tactic to test how the surprise element will affect you. But when Agent Fowler opened the window and made a call, my instincts went on full alert. Something fishy was going on. Minutes later, a loud boom came from afar and the floor shook. I held onto my seat for my dear life. Ripples appeared on the surface of my drink, matching the tempo of the enormous steps. For a second, I thought the T-Rex from Jurassic Park decided to visit. But instead what greeted me through the window was a giant, metallic face tucked under a humongous blue helm. Two enormous, glowing blue eyes stared right back at me.

"Hello, Ms. Carter," He greeted.

My butt was still sore from its meeting with the floor.

**#9: There is a Giant Robot talking to you. You're not dreaming.**

If you don't believe me, pinch yourself HARD. Because if that doesn't prove anything, I don't know what will. Just don't do it often. The robot questioned my sanity after I slapped myself repeatedly.

It turned out said Giant Robot was Optimus Prime, the leader of the Autobots – a group of sentient, robotic alien race who can transform into vehicles. They had been living among the humans while protecting the planet from the Decepticons (aka the Dark Side). I made a mental note to double check Dad's motorbike. Imagine my horror when Agent Fowler revealed himself as their liaison with the Government.

Now remember that incident Agent Fowler mentioned? It turned out the 'accident' was no accident.

"In the pursuit of a Decepticon, one of our comrades fired a stray shot which resulted in the destruction of various human facilities – including your family's."

I didn't know how else to react. I made a mental note not to tell Dad who the culprit was. He would do more than depressive binging.

**#10: Here comes the Advertising**

After some chitchat, your interviewer will reveal the big hoo-hah of your current predicament. You would not believe what the job was.

"We are thinking of hiring you as a counsellor for the Autobots," Agent Fowler said.

I did a spit take on my water and stared at him hard. According to Optimus, his team had been under much stress from the 'Cons and adapting to life on Earth. After reviewing several cases, he and Agent Fowler felt that what they needed was someone who could hear out their problems.

At this point, the other party would do whatever it takes to sell the benefits of this job. They will say all kinds of bullshit to counter your excuses. Trust me, I tried.

**1) But I don't have the experience!  
**"No experience is required. You will learn from the best." – Agent Fowler  
"My team Medic, Ratchet will be there to assist you in Cybertronian Psychology and Biology." – Optimus

**2) Decepticons? Sounds dangerous for me…**  
"My team will assure your safety." – Optimus

******3) **What makes you think I'll leave my old job for this?  
"Your services will be funded by the Government." – Agent Fowler

**4****) **I can't leave my family behind.  
"Do not worry, your Sire has agreed to this." – Optimus

"Sire?"

"I believe in human terms, it refers to your 'Father'?"

"WHAT?" I shot a questioning look at Agent Fowler. The FBI agent held his temple, deeply stressed. Optimus was even more confused by the reactions.

It seemed that my Dad had witnessed the Bot responsible for destroying the original car wash. That explained the earlier binging then. He also suggested the plan to solve our financial problems. In other words, he lied and sold me out for cash. Starting from tonight, Italian Night will be banned.

**#11: Accepting the Job**

With my current predicament, I had no choice but to accept the job. It was the only way to end this crazy interrogation and avoid an ugly scenario. Optimus had insisted on driving me home.

Looking through this entire guide, you would have come to a decision by now. If you were smart and sane, you would reject this job. No matter how exciting or epic it sounds. But if you decided to go crazy and pick otherwise, then go ahead and take it. Just don't say I didn't warn you.

Once you accept this job, it's gonna be a long, bumpy ride.

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Hope you guys enjoy the first chapter! Do review or fave, or do both if you enjoyed this fic! :D


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